It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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