just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
