my phone needs a breathalizer
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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