Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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