guys are not supposed to queef...right?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
