I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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