bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
