All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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