I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The power of my boobs compel you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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