He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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