Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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