her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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