My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I AM VODKA MAN
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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