My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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