today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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