the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before