u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.