I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...