i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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