I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I cannot find my penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Randomize
