i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
