I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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