3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
