did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
