Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just found puke in my bra..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
