I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
