At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
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