Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
