Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
