My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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