you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
