Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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