OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
