my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
