A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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