oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
