no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
