dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
