I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
