Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
