He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
