tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
