she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
