Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
