I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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