Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
