I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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