My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
