Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
