You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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