I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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