I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
