you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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