the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
