Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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